Be Your Savior: The Be Yours Trilogy #2 Read online

  And if shopping for a dress would make her happy then…I’d let her have that. Even though, unless I could get my shit together… we wouldn’t need one. I could tell…this was going to be a deal breaker.

  All I had to do was say, “Yes, Jessie. Of course, we’ll have kids,” and I’d probably solve everything.

  But I couldn’t.

  I was an asshole.

  The drive home was silent, and I’d never felt so much tension between us. Not the fun, sexy kind. This tension made me uneasy and my skin wanted to crawl.

  Halfway home I began to speak. “Jessie…?” I said pleadingly, but she just held up a hand, dismissing me as she stared blankly out the window.

  “I don’t want to talk about it, Seth. I just…don’t.”

  So the words hung unsaid between us.

  Seth, I really want kids.

  I am not sure if I can do that, Jessie.

  Fine. Then we’re over.

  We arrived home, and Jessie silently stalked up to the door, let herself in, and marched directly to the bathroom without a sound. She didn’t even glance at me as she walked in and locked the door. I heard the water of the shower running and the light sobs she was trying to hide under the noise of the water.

  Yep. I was officially the biggest dick on the planet. Not because I couldn’t tell her we should have them, or not… but I sort of felt like an ass because we jumped into this relationship headfirst, without making sure we were on the same page with everything. My impetuous nature got me in trouble, again, and I felt like a dick for letting it… because maybe I accidentally hurt her. And that was the very last thing on Earth I’d ever want to do.

  4

  Jessalie

  Get it together, Jessie.

  I shouldn’t have gone to see the baby last night. Seth was right. I knew it was going to hurt, and do stupid things to me, and he knew it too. I could barely look at him last night while driving home. I was so hurt—unreasonably so. It wasn’t Seth’s fault. I knew he had reservations about having kids. I knew that. Yet, I couldn’t stop feeling betrayed.

  Of course, I had to give him time. I knew it. Problem was… I wasn’t sure my body had much time left to wait.

  I even spent a good chunk of the morning, doing research about having kids in your thirties. I couldn’t hardly find a thing about fertility not declining after thirty-five. Just two years away.

  This is ridiculous. You still have plenty of time. Every person is different; thirty-five is just an average. Seth is healthy, you’re healthy…there’s no reason this can’t happen for you. Just be patient. That’s what I kept saying to myself over and over again in my mind, but it wasn’t of any consolation.

  So Adam and I hadn’t been able to have kids. I had the operation on my ovaries, and those were “all better”. It had to of been his issue all along. Because that was three years before we split, and still—nothing.

  It was his fault, not yours. It will be fine.

  “Okay, you’re going to get it out of your system tonight with Shane, and then tomorrow you’ll be over it. It’ll be all better,” I said quietly to myself in the mirror, when I was finished showering and was doing my hair and makeup for my “date” with Shane.

  “What will be all better?”

  I nearly jumped out of my skin. “Damn, Seth! You scared me!” I scolded him as he snuck silently into the bathroom behind me. I felt two hands on my waist, and a chin on my bare shoulder as Seth nuzzled into my neck.

  “Are you mad at me?” He asked sullenly.

  Sighing, I set down my brush, and turned into him, looking up into his worried, attractive face. My resolve softened upon looking into those warm, honey-colored eyes. I traced the pad of my thumb over his bottom lip, over the silicone hoop at the corner. “No, I’m really not.” He cocked a brow at me skeptically. “Really. I’m just mad at myself, honestly.”

  “For?” Even though I was wrapped in a towel—or maybe because of that—he pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me, and I found myself relaxing, getting lost in his musky citrus, masculine scent and the way the hard lines of his body felt against my softer curves.

  “I am just angry at myself for wasting so much time with Adam, and moping and feeling sorry for myself,” I said finally, after a moment’s thought. “I… blamed Blake for not being able to move on. But it was really me all along.”

  “Jesus, Jessie.” He slid his hand and tattooed fingers over my cheek until I looked up at him. “You were grieving. There’s no expiration date on grief. There isn’t anything that says you have to be over it at a certain time. You did the best you could.”

  “Maybe.” I shrugged. “But… if I’d ditched Adam a long time ago, I would have met you at the Lagoona a year or so ago, and we’d be a year ahead of the game. And maybe now…”

  His chest rose and fell against me. “Jessie…”

  “I know, I know.” I forced what I hoped was a genuine smile. “Anyway, enough. And no, again, I’m not mad at you. I love you, really. Really.”

  “Good.” He grinned widely, affectionately brushing my damp hair over my shoulder with his fingers. An impish look spread over his face before he said, “So, we’ve decided on Florida then?”

  “I…” I blushed, laughing awkwardly. “I guess? I mean it looks so pretty, but I don’t want to pressure you into anything. I know you’ll be stressed—”

  He set a finger on my lips. “Jess. Stop. Honestly, it’s perfect. Everyone will be there. It’s huge exposure for the band, yes. But that’s only one day. Maybe two? The rest of the time we can lounge on the beach. You have a bikini, right?” He ran his hands over my shoulders and naked arms, making me shiver under his touch, especially when he bent down to brush his lips and his naughty tongue over the length of my neck. My eyes rolled back and I nearly moaned.

  “I could get one…” I replied huskily, as he began to nibble at my earlobe.

  “Do I get to rub sunscreen all over you?” He asked in my ear, his tone playfully seductive. I trembled at the idea.

  “You can do that anytime, beach or not,” I said with a light laugh.

  “Noted.” He began kissing lower, grazing over my chest, and I had to force my legs to stay upright, I wanted to melt and collapse into him. But…

  “You have therapy soon. You don’t want to miss it.” Reluctantly, he stopped with a groan, but before he allowed me to finish getting ready, he crashed his mouth into mine, eagerly parting my lips with his tongue. I sighed; he tasted sweet and minty. If I didn’t pull away now, I wasn’t going to make it to meet Shane, and he wouldn’t make it to therapy.

  He groaned, and adjusted his jeans. “Where are you guys going?”

  “Eau Claire. Shane said there’s some shops out there, but,” I shrugged, “sounds like super fancy stuff and not beach stuff.”

  “I can drop you off? I’m going into town, too.”

  “Sounds good. Give me about thirty minutes?”

  “You got it.”

  About an hour later, Seth was dropping me off in front of the entrance of the only mall in Eau Claire, where Shane was already waiting outside.

  Before I departed, Seth grabbed me and gave me a blistering, hot kiss that was so intense I could barely breathe, and my pink lipgloss was smeared all over Seth’s mouth after. I brushed off his lips with my thumb, eyeing him coyly.

  “Don’t let him keep you too long. I’m…tired.” He smirked, and I giggled.

  “Don’t worry, Archer. I’ll take good care of your woman.” Shane blew him a kiss and clutched my arm as Seth drove away towards his therapy appointment.

  Shane wore tight black jeans and a bright yellow shirt. He was not a small guy, stockier built and lithely muscular, probably due to the martial arts he participated in. He liked to keep people guessing… am I gay or just really fashionable? Really, it was hard to tell, even when you talked to him. Sometimes he wore makeup, sometimes he did not; today he swiped shiny, white shadow over his lids. I loved how Shane just did his ow
n thing, regardless of what anyone thought. He could look typically masculine or typically feminine. And he was a blast.

  “So, my dear… you finally decided officially on Florida?” He asked excitedly, looping my elbow with his as we walked through the corridors of the mall to our destination. Wherever that was; I happily let him call the shots today.

  “Yeah, I think so,” I replied, with an excited grin.

  “Oh yes! This is going to be fun!” Shane cheered excitedly. Over the past month, we’d gotten really close, and I felt nearly as close to him as I did Victoria back in Forest Lake. For one… we were both having baby fever. But we vowed not to talk about it until we got to dinner. “But, please promise me you’ll get him out of those ripped jeans. And no damned floral shirts!” He shuddered and I laughed.

  “I could never picture him in one of those.” I grimaced.

  “I also want to congratulate you for getting him to ditch that eyebrow piercing.” He rolled his eyes. “I’ve been telling him to get rid of that forever.”

  “You know why he does all that stuff,” I reminded him pointedly.

  “I know, he is trying to look different from his father. I get it…he’s just so adorable if he’d stop hiding behind all that crap!” Shane huffed. “Now you just need to work on that lip one.”

  “I like that one,” I insisted, with a playful grin. “It’s nice to bite on.”

  Shane gently slapped my shoulder. “Ooh, kinky. See I never thought about that… that could be fun. Maybe I’ll make Anthony get one…” he said, trailing off thoughtfully.

  Our conversation was kept light and fun as we came to our first destination: a jewelry store. Seth had done a great job picking out a ring set for me, even though I insisted he didn’t need to. But I did love it, and every time I looked at it, I wanted to squeal a little bit. So, I wanted to get him something nice in exchange.

  I picked out a black titanium band that had a little silver line through the middle; it sort of reminded me of some of his finger tattoos, and I hoped he’d like it. Really, I couldn’t imagine him in anything else. After we’d left, I started to finally get a little excited about everything. I never had this anticipation about my wedding with Adam; it was stuffy, formal, and pretentious. So not me.

  Frankly, I would have been satisfied just going to the courthouse, but Seth insisted on a little something. Even though this would be marriage number three for me—how horrifying—it would be his first. And, hopefully his only.

  The beach would be nice and romantic also. I’d never been to one, and I didn’t think he had either.

  We’d ditched the mall after the ring—I’d have to pick it up later, as I had a something specific I wanted engraved into it—and headed to the bridal “department” store to check out dresses. We were accosted the second we entered by exuberant salespeople, but Shane quickly shooed everyone away. This was his thing he claimed, and we dove in to the racks of frilly, sparkly dresses.

  “I think most of these are too… frilly,” I said, wrinkling my nose at a puffy white, tulle dress with sleeves.

  “I think you might be right.” He pointed down his throat and pretended to gag at another dress full of sequins and beads. We continued flipping through the racks of dresses until he finally pulled something out with promise. “Look at this.” It was chiffon and strapless with a flowing skirt, beaded sash. Very simple, but very pretty. “This would look great on you!”

  “You think?” I reached out and gently fingered the edge of the skirt.

  Shane smiled awkwardly, shoving the dress back onto the rack. “Nevermind. It, uh…isn’t your size.”

  “How do you know?” I snorted, grabbing for the tag before he could stop me. My heart sank.

  “Sorry, Jess. I tried to—”

  “—I know. Maternity? I didn’t know they had maternity wedding dresses.” I snarled quietly, dropping the tag of the dress like it was poison. “Won’t need that any time soon. Or any of those things.”

  Shane’s face drooped into a frown. “Honey, he’s going to come around. He just needs a little time.”

  “I’m not sure I have that much time,” I answered bitterly.

  “Yeah. I know how you feel. A surrogate is so expensive. By the time we can afford one, I’ll be too old to get up to care for it. And adoption…”

  “Yeah…” I reached out and clutched his hand. “I know how you feel. Sucks getting old, huh? Seth…god I love him…but he doesn’t quite get it.”

  Shane chortled loudly. “Right? Girl, I found gray hair. Down there.” He pointed down at the vicinity of his crotch, and shuddered. “My parts are getting old,” he said in a disgusted whisper.

  “Mine too. Another two years and my eggs will be mostly dried up.” I rolled my eyes. “It’s not fair.”

  “And it’s ridiculous. I’m still just as energetic and shit as them young people. Right?” Shane commented, uncertainly.

  “Pfffft. Of course.” But I wasn’t all that sure myself. “I stay up past eight o’clock.”

  Shane grinned devilishly. “I’ll bet you do.”

  His comment urged a laugh out of me—a real one. “Hey, let’s find somewhere else. I am not sure I like anything here.”

  “No…” he said, sliding his hand over another row of dresses. “I’m not either. There’s another specialty shop a few blocks away? Wanna try that instead?”

  “Hell yeah.” He took my hand and led me to his car to head to the next place.

  “This is it.”

  “You think?” I felt momentarily giddy, my “baby woes” forgotten as I twirled on a stand, and the chiffon skirt spread out around me.

  At the new bridal shop, Shane had pulled out about five things for me, but it was lucky number three that seemed to be the winner. A strapless chiffon number that gathered over the bodice and was cinched with a colorful sash—it could be whatever color I wanted—and spread out in a wide skirt with a slight swoop-train in back. The top layer of the chiffon was somehow interwoven with a sparkly thread that Shane insisted would look great in photos.

  “I definitely think. It’s beautiful, and so are you,” Shane said affectionately, running a hand over the skirt. “Seth will die when he sees you in this.”

  “I hope not. I don’t want to have to find husband number four.”

  Shane laughed boisterously. “Ooh, feels a bit like…Dynasty or something!”

  “Just no shooting anyone,” I warned, and we shared a secret giggle. “Heck, do you think most people would get that reference nowadays?”

  “Probably not,” and we both groaned at that idea; another reminder we were aging. Though, Dynasty was still a bit old for us, I remembered it from re-runs when we were stuck with whatever was on the TV—no DVRs. Hell, we didn’t even have a VCR. Ugh… I’m getting old.

  Shane scratched at his chin, eyeing the dress. “This is going to need altering. Is this what you want?”

  “I really think so.” While Shane flagged down a seamstress, I took a moment to twirl happily in my new dress. I actually felt good.

  Obviously, Blake and I hadn’t had fancy clothes. With Adam I was guilted into wearing his mother’s taffeta get-up. At least I’d been able to have the puffy sleeves altered out, but it was still hideous. This one… was all for me. Then it hit me, square between the eyes.

  Holy crap… I’m actually getting married. I was lucky as hell. Seth was amazing, really. So gorgeous and talented, with the most beautiful soul I’d ever known. Truly…I believed that Blake brought us together. Maybe as an apology for leaving me, maybe because he was sad I was so alone. It took a while but now I felt truly okay with moving on. Blake would always be in my heart, and I’d never forget him. But I couldn’t spend my entire life chasing after a ghost.

  Yes, Seth had his issues. But he was working hard to keep them at bay. He’d brought me with him to his therapy over the past month, he’d given me my own “pillbox” of his medication for safe keeping. When he’d had moments where he felt down—and of co
urse they’d happen—he didn’t pull away. He might have been quiet and brooding and spent extra time in bed, but he admitted when he was troubled and didn’t push me away when I tried to help him through it. Most of the time it just involved holding him through the worst of it. Other times it involved being the recipient of some very hot sex. I definitely didn’t complain about that.

  He said the sex would help take his mind off things, help pull him away from the ledge. His therapist was a little worried he was replacing the high of cutting with the orgasmic high of sex, but as long as he didn’t push himself on me—which he never did—there was really no issue.

  Overall though, Seth was the answer to every prayer I had, and even ones I didn’t. And I was trying to keep that in mind in regard to the whole baby thing. We were moving fast, and we both liked it that way, and I was sure he’d come around. Right?

  Shane returned a moment later, just as I was grinning to myself in the mirror. I felt…good. Real good.

  “Seth is going to flip when he sees you,” Shane said, as the seamstress pinned up the dress. “Now I just have to make sure he doesn’t wear anything stupid.”

  “Oh come on, he’s not that bad. It’s hot. Kinda bad-boy rocker, right?”

  Shane snorted. “Oh, honey; you are in love. The man has the worst fashion sense I’ve ever seen. If he wasn’t as trim as he is, he wouldn’t be able to get away with it at all.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “What color sash are you gonna do?”

  “Green,” I replied quickly. “It’s my favorite color.”

  “Awww…it’s his too!” He swooned, and I smirked at him.

  I was instructed to take the dress off and I did, reluctantly. Shane made sure the alterations would be done in a week or less, and he was quite forceful about it, making the older seamstress a bit intimidated.